Women Want Your Attention

women attention
Everybody likes attention. Yet with women, attention is more than a means to an end – getting your attention is very often the end itself.

Women will tell you they want a lot of things.

But there’s one thing women want from you above and beyond all else: your attention.

They can want this attention to take various forms.

 

Some women want you to be smitten with them.

Some women want you to chase after them.

Some women want you to feel like you could never have them (yet pine after them regardless).

Some women want you to court them, seduce them, and make love to them.

Some women just want you to think they’re amazing.

But the one thing all women have in common is they want you to notice them, look at them, and pay them attention.

As a man, this is important for you to understand. All the women around you fight for your attention. They do it in different ways. Some tempt you; some shame you; some scold you; some befriend you; some agree with you. All seek to have you notice them, listen to them, and invest your time and energy into them.

You must understand you can control which women receive your attention… and what they must give you in exchange for it.

But just because you can control this, doesn’t mean you will. Many women are far better at extracting attention from men without giving things men value in return for it than men are at getting what they want in return.

women attention

The drive for attention spans the sexes. There are plenty of men who want attention from anyone they can get it from. And most men want attention from the people they want it from… such as the pretty girl in the floral dress seated alone at the table on the other side of the café.

There are lots of men who want to be stars – on social media or on TV. A friend of mine who does a lot of television interviews told me he loves to be on TV, and is happy with almost any chance he can get to be on there.

Even me – someone who avoids most publicity and takes pains to not have his face out there much (took me 4.5 years running this website before I had my face visible anywhere on Girls Chase) – would I still be writing the length and breadth of articles for GC I am if the site only attracted, say, 500 visitors a month, instead of one million? Probably not.

Yet, the attention men pursue and that that women do is different in one key way.

Male vs. Female Attention Seeking

The difference between the male drive for attention and the female drive for attention is this: men want attention as a means to an end; for women, attention is the end itself.

A man wants attention he can use. He wants a pretty girl to notice him so he can meet her, date her, and sleep with her. He wants to be a social media star so he can get access to cool parties and shag hot girls. He wants to be on TV to promote his book, his product, his offer, and to meet celebrities and impress the people in his day-to-day life to get more business, more contacts, and more sex. He wants people coming to his website to expand the site’s reach and to keep his business viable so he doesn’t have to go and start something else.

For most women, most of the time, attention is desired for it’s own sake:

  • A woman wants to be complimented because it makes her feel pretty
  • She wants men to drool over her because it makes her feel desired
  • She wants guys to get jealous over her because it makes her feel wanted
  • She wants to be out of some men’s leagues because it makes her feel powerful
  • She wants people to do her favors because it makes her feel influential and secure
  • She wants other women to eat their hearts out over her because it feels good to feel envied

… and so on and so forth.

The emotions she gets from the attention are what she’s really after… though for our purposes here we’ll just phrase that as ‘attention is the end goal in and of itself’.

Of course, all this attention does have real and practical benefits to women. A woman who is highly desired has her choice of men. A woman who is the envy of other women is, again, going to be sought after by high caliber men, impressed at how envied she is by other women, and she is a woman who will have leverage with other women (who want to be around her to get some degree of access to her social cachet).

And some women will use attention as means-to-an-end, too. e.g., the office worker who specifically flirts with a guy at work she thinks can help advance her through the ranks, even though she knows she isn’t interested in him.

But a man doesn’t typically go out to a nightclub thinking “I just want all the girls to notice me tonight, and all the boys to be jealous!” A woman, on the other hand, will do this.

women attention
Sure, they might want to hook up. But they want attention more.

A man doesn’t show up to his morning statistics class thinking “All the girls in class won’t be able to keep their eyes off me today. And all the boys will wonder how the heck I do it.” Nor does he lure in girls he isn’t really interested in, but thinks “She’s kind of cute, but doesn’t really do it for me. But I’d still love to have her around, feeding me attention, building up my ego, doing things for me, and making me look good.”

A man doesn’t leave it ambiguously flirty with women he isn’t interested in, because he doesn’t want to lose their attention by rejecting them.

Men don’t do these things (not most men… not usually), because attention like this doesn’t serve a direct means to a direct end.

For women though, gathering this kind of attention is absolutely worth the energy to get it.

“But I’m a Woman and I Don’t…”

I’ve had girlfriends who claimed not to care about attention, and who in general were a lot less attention-focused than many women are. The first time I had a girlfriend like this I thought I’d stumbled on one of the rare few women who doesn’t care about attention.

Yet as I got to knew her better, I discovered she just had a tighter attention focus. She wanted to have a lot of my attention, and maybe a little from a few other people important to her.

Every coupled woman (well… every happily coupled woman) wants an attentive mate. Not necessarily super attentive, but at least decently attentive. I’m not a particularly attentive guy myself, but fortunately for me (and the women who date me) I’m halfway decent at replacing quantity of attention with quality of attention.

As any guy who’s been too inattentive with a girlfriend for too long knows, though, if she can’t get attention from you, she will get it somewhere else.

Different women have different attention needs. Some women need lots of attention from lots of people. Some women only need a small amount of quality attention from a few close/important folks. But all women need attention.

Not “attention with a point.” When men want attention from a girlfriend, usually they’re hoping it will end in sex or a good meal or something. Sure, you have lovelorn younger guys, for whom women are so new and wonderful they could be content to stare into a girlfriend’s eyes for hours and leave it at that. Most men past a few girlfriends and sex partners don’t have the drive for this anymore though. Lots and lots of women do, though.

While as women get older, they do become more practical focused (older and more sexually experienced women can be a lot more mission-oriented with regard to sex, for instance), they still have a much stronger drive for attention than ordinary men.

For the woman – even women with lower attention needs – attention isn’t necessarily a means to some other end (like, say, sexual intercourse). Attention can often be just for attention’s sake – she goes for attention just to get some attention from someone she wants attention from.

women attention

The two most important realizations to have about women who insert themselves into your awareness:

  1. Women who are not providing value to my life / have no real capacity to provide value to my life must be ignored, and
  2. Women who have the capacity to provide value to my life must provide it if they want the attention from me they seek

These two realizations – as soon as they click – will do more to improve your sanity and peace of mind, plus make it easier for you to get what you wish with the women you want it with – than almost any other mindset realization (the only few mindsets shifts being possibly more important being to move fasternot take rejection personallynot chase/replace instead of chasevalue results over reactions, and think in terms of numbers and in terms of probabilities/asymmetries).

Ignoring Non-Value-Providing Women

As soon as it clicks for you that “the goal of female behavior is male attention”, your outlook on things women do shifts. You realize there are ways women compete for your attention that offer potential value to you, and ways women compete for your attention that only waste your time and energy.

Here are some examples of women who potentially provide value to your life:

So long as the ways these women try to get your attention are primarily flirtatious, helpful, or fun, they will usually be a net positive to your life. However, even with value-providing roles like these, it is possible to end up in net negative exchanges; such as with Cluster B women, or women who are emotional downers/energy vampires.

This is why you must screen women for whether they will be liabilities to your life or not before you swing the door open for them. Let in the girls who will help you as much as you help them; keep out the ones who will drain you.

Beyond women who provide or potentially provide value to your life, however, there are also a host of women who do not provide value to your life, yet work tirelessly to command as much of your attention as possible. It is imperative to ignore these women as much as you possibly can.

women attention
She doesn’t want to provide anything of value for your time and energy? Cool, no worries (ignore).

You don’t want to engage with them. You don’t want to argue with them. You don’t want to ‘put them in their place’. All those things are attention. The more you do any of them, the more you ‘feed the beast’.

Instead, you just want to ignore them.

These women include:

  • Flirtatious women who will not comply with you (thus, will not put out for you) and offer no other advantage, like insider access to cool parties you couldn’t also get access to.

    Value she thinks she’s providing you: the chance to talk to a hot girl like her and have a simulated flirtation. Lucky you!

  • Crazy girls who just want your sympathy, like women who trot out abuse stories, for instance. Abuse is always sad, but sane/normal abuse victims don’t wear it on their sleeve and tell everyone they meet by the end of the first date about what giant victims they are. Those that do are after white knight attention, and/or more ‘abusers’ (and you do not want to be either white knight or abuser, trust me – often these men end up being one and the same to these women too… white knight boyfriends get spun into abusive boyfriends later on down the line).

    Value she thinks she’s providing you: you just need a girl to take care of, don’t you? She can be that girl. Of course, if you want anything from her she doesn’t want to give you – be that sex, commitment, sanity, or fidelity (depends on the girl) – you’re just another selfish, abusive devil.

  • Busybody / moral police women. If a woman tut-tuts or tsk-tsks anybody over ‘morals’ – whether she’s coming from a moral foundation you agree with or one you disagree with, it doesn’t matter – she’s the bad kind of attention seeker. Her mission is to get you and others to view her as righteous and defer to her righteousness / value her for her righteousness… which does not provide any value to you.

    Value she thinks she’s providing you: she’s going to save you from your iniquities and bring you back to the side of light. You should thank her for this (with your attention, of course). If on the other hand you fight her over it, well, that’s also worthwhile – she’s combatted an evil villain guilty of wrongthink, and hopefully either marshaled society against him (if she was able to point out to others how evil he is), or at least given him something to chew on.

  • Politically active/opinionated women. Strong female political opinions resolve to emotional sentiment and/or moral policing (so see the previous bullet). Arguing politics with women who hold strong political views is not a productive form of discourse – they will resort to shaming (“Do you really not put a value on the suffering of [group]?”), put downs (“You’re just a [mean name]”), and dismissals (“Whatever”) rather than argue in good faith. If you want to have an interesting political discussion with a woman, find an open-minded woman trained in logic who is politically curious but not politically obstinate. Otherwise, don’t discuss politics with women – just ignore women who want to discuss it with you if you can’t get them off the topic.

    Value she thinks she’s providing you: everybody thinks his opinions are the best, and sharing them is a work of charity / informing the uninformed, unwashed masses. Obviously that must be valuable.

  • Investment thieves. Women you know from social circle – especially school or work – tend to be the most prominent investment thieves you’ll meet. An ‘investment thief’ is just a woman who mostly only approaches you to get things from you, then ignores you the rest of the time.

    For instance, she needs help with an assignment, so she approaches you and is all smiles and bubbly and talks with you for a minute, then asks you for your aid. Then after you’ve given her your time, attention, and help, it’s like you’re barely acquaintances again. You may scratch your head, wondering if you did something wrong. Then two weeks later, she’s back! Oh thank goodness – now you’ve got another chance! She’s happy and bubbly again. And oh look! Another chance to help her and get in her good graces! Only, once you help her, it happens again – again it’s as if the two of you are hardly acquaintances. And on and on it goes.

    When a woman is an investment thief, the easiest way to stop her pilfering investment from you is simply to not invest in her.

    (note: just be careful you don’t become so cynical you miss the ‘girl who likes you and decides to use the request for help as an excuse to let you talk to her’ scenario – some women do use helplessness to give you a shot with them. Give a first time aid-requester the benefit of the doubt; but if she ‘strangers you’ after your assistance, then repeats the act a little while later, she’s an investment thief – the safest bet is to ignore)

     

    Value she thinks she’s providing you: most investment thieves know they’re not providing you any value. They know they’re just using you for stuff – and don’t care. It’s how the school/work/social circle game is played, after all (they think). This is an example of means-to-an-end attention seeking.

  • Attention whores. For obvious reasons.

    Value she thinks she’s providing you: the chance to be around someone as hot as her.

All these forms of attention seeking are enabled by men responding to it. Women get away with behavior like this because men do not ignore it. Instead, men respond like robots to button pushes. A woman pushes the button, and the man responds. She pushes the button again, and the man responds again. She pushes the button a third time, and the man responds a third time.

Flirtatiousness without compliance; victimization; shaming/scolding; preaching and proselytizing; asking for help without building a connection; attention whoring… all these are ways women can use to extract attention from men while providing naught but the most vaporous of value in return.

Where Zero-Benefit Attention Seeking Comes From

Why do men respond to behavior that offers them zero gain? Too much leisure, not enough important things to do, no sense of purpose.

Women gain mainstream political power only inside safe, dominant, mature civilizations like ancient Greece, the Roman Empire, the Abbasid Caliphate, and the modern West because only when men are not busy fighting for survival do they have the bandwidth and soft spots to respond to behavior like the above.

Spend any time in the third world, and you will notice that while the men of most third world regions can be bossed around and taken advantage of by the women there too, they are significantly more assertive about going for what they want, and are far more skeptical of attention-seeking behavior by women. For instance:

  • Men in much of Eastern Europe, Africa, the Middle East, and South America respond to female attention seeking by calling women’s bluff on it – they resort to heavy flirtation with attention-seeking women, and ask attention-seeking women to comply with demands. Some of the less scrupulous men from these regions may even just grab or fondle an overly attention-seeking woman; the result is that women tend to be more conservative in the signals they put out
  • Men in much of Asia respond to female attention seeking by just ignoring it, on the other hand. Again, the result is women employ less attention-seeking behavior, to not look foolish or undesired when such behavior is ignored or treated like something awkward or improper

Yet, with sufficiently abundant resources, it becomes much harder for men to argue against women wanting more access to those resources, to share those resources with others, or to allow citizens to opt out of their duties to civilization. Once these mentalities are entrenched in a civilization, where men are no longer called to duty and are urged to hew to feminine virtues, it becomes hard for men to ignore or say no to women who want value from them without providing value in return – the man may not know what he ‘should’ actually consider ‘value’ from a woman (the very thought of “should I value this?” itself is poisonous; a free man simply asks himself “do I value this?” and has his answer). At that point, non-value-providing women crop up everywhere.

women attention
Just about every women lectures and scolds sometimes. But not all men are equally immune to it.

In non-Western societies today, this behavior is still present in women, but it’s much more muted. Interestingly though, Western men who opt to marry women from outside the West often can’t escape the behavior anyway, because their wives quickly figure out they can get attention from their Western husbands with all kinds of bad behavior and their Western husbands will tolerate it. Obviously it’s easier if you can get what you want without having to provide anything in return… so when men allow women to get away with it, wherever those women are from, many of them will discover they have this leeway, then learn to take advantage of it.

We can say the desire to seek attention at minimal personal cost is an intrinsic quality of women’s. And it is one that manifests itself in an environment of permissive men.

Stop being a chump, and the behavior goes away. Even with many women who are used to doing it with everyone.

For the attention-seeking woman, who does not seem like she wants to provide value to your life, ask her for investment (i.e., call her bluff)… and if you can’t get that, put her on ‘ignore’.

A friend of mine recently slept with a self-proclaimed hardcore bisexual progressive feminist. This friend of mine is about as far from left-wing as you could get. Yet once he had this girl in bed, some of her political views became a lot less rigid… and she even trotted out some rather non-P.C. sexual fantasies I’d be surprised if she ever shared with any of the progressive men she’s been with.

How’d my friend get together with this girl who initially spent a bunch of time bombarding him with politics he had zero agreement with? He just ignored the politics, remained his usual attractive self (he’s a guy with great fundamentals), kept asking for investment, and kept moving things forward.

Now this girl, whom he says sports an impressive set of double-Ds (and not because she’s fat… she isn’t), is doing everything in her power to set up a threesome with him to lure him into seeing her more.

Women can only use you for attention to the extent you allow them to use you for it.

That’s the great thing about attention: it is yours to give.

As soon as you realize it is perfectly okay to ignore women who do not provide value to you – even better if you are so damn busy or on such an important mission that it is not feasible for you to waste time on women unwilling to provide appropriate value for the time and energy they want from you – suddenly, all the women in your life start to behave a lot more womanly, a lot more considerately, and deliver you a lot more value.

How to Use the Female Attention Drive

All women want attention. Yet not all male attention is substitutable.

The attention of a needy, always-available male is not a good substitute for that of a busy, dominant, important male. Not remotely so.

The ‘make her chase’ side of seduction relies on this dichotomy, by having you position yourself as one of those busy, dominant, important males… which inspires her to chase your attention (and offer much more for it). A high value male’s attention is more valuable than a low value male’s attention, so women on average are willing to provide more value in return to get it.

Now, what it’s important to note here is that when we say ‘high value’, we are not talking about any kind of agreed-upon social understanding of value. For instance, here are some agreed-upon social understandings of ‘high male value’:

  • Mainstream ‘High Value Male’: mainstream society believes a high value male is one who is tall, good-looking, wealthy, and confident. Other qualities like being Caucasian or having big muscles or being famous are sometimes included in this mix.
  • Feminist ‘High Value Male’: feminism views a high value male as one who is sensitive, responsive, respectful, and empathetic. Such a man is helpful to women and willing to compromise and try out women’s solutions.
  • Manosphere ‘High Value Male’: the manosphere holds up the stereotypical ‘alpha male’ as its definition of a high value male. Such a male is generally defined as tough, independent, an asshole, more selfish than ordinary men (though not necessarily completely self-centered, and possibly more community-minded), and surrounded by lusty women.

None of the qualities describing these men are bad. Not even the feminist ones (empathy is a very useful quality, for instance).

However, none of these qualities are the ultimate signifiers of a high value male. They are only some potential qualities such a male may have.

There are men who have many or most of these qualities, yet do not get what they want in life and do not do well with women. None of these qualities in and of themselves guarantee a man ‘high value’.

What makes a man ‘high value’ to a woman?

  • He has some value she personally values in a man. Things like confidence, responsiveness, good looks, and independence may qualify, but not necessarily – different women value each of these qualities differently, and place more or less weight on all kinds of qualities.
  • He lies just within the borders of attainability… but is almost unattainable. He’s almost out of her league. But not quite. She can still get him, and she knows he will still like, respect, and value her.
  • She complies with him. The more she does so, so long as value and attainability keep up, the higher value he becomes to her.

While there are plenty of qualities that contribute broadly to value, because valuation is a subjective, personal experience, you need to be able to tailor it to the individual.

women attention
High value is always at least a somewhat tailored experience.

Each woman values the people around her differently. Each woman rates the men around her on different traits. Some men are more valuable to her, some men less so. You can use the VAC (value-attainability-compliance) model to figure out where you stand with a woman and what you need to adjust to affect how valuable she perceives you as.

You won’t always be able to adjust on-the-fly for every woman. For instance, some women hugely value money, and if you don’t show up in a Lamborghini you’re out of the running for them. This isn’t necessarily because they are beautiful or wealthy themselves; plenty of very beautiful women date men with mediocre incomes, and plenty of wealthy women ‘marry down’ financially.

In general, however, you can use tools like VAC to identify where you are at with a woman valuation-wise, then adjust how you present yourself to her to come across more valuable. A man with many qualities she considers valuable, who is just on the edge of attainable to her, and with whom she has complied and in whom she has invested lots, is a man she finds incredibly valuable. Get value in good shape, get attainability where you need it, and ask her to comply, and you are a high value man who can be demanding about his time and attention.

Attainability Hacking for Attention Seekers

By always staying just on the attainable side of the attainable-unattainable divide, you leave an interested woman with little choice but to increase her compliance and availability to get you.

For instance, say you meet a girl who is adept at getting men to pay her more attention. And you’re a valuable guy with her; you’re good in many of the ways she values (thanks to all that work you did on your fundamentals!).

If you keep yourself just at the edge of attainability for her, she will be a lot more inclined to chase you, and a lot less inclined to play attention games with you.

For instance, if she plays up her victim card with other men, but you (while also being warm and flirty with her) are less available and have less time for random chitchat, she will tend to dial these games down with you, and be more direct.

Or, if she lectures other men on politics or morality, but you are the attractive-yet-busy type, she’ll tend to cut this out with you and be softer and more flexible.

The cool thing? As a woman violates her normal attention seeking OS with you, she puts in work, and builds compliance with you. She invests.

So long as you continue to remain attainable to her, your high value and her increasing investment in you only makes you more and more attractive – and her more and more flexible and willing.

This is how you get those situations where a woman is a bitch to everyone else, but a pussycat to you. She uses other men liberally for attention, and gets it easily. Sometimes it’s positive attention, like them chasing her or praising her or buying things for her or helping her. Sometimes it’s ‘negative’ attention, like them hating on her or arguing with her or resenting her. But it’s all attention, and it all feeds her need for more attention (be that attention the healthy or the unhealthy sort).

You, on the other hand, are valuable to her, and inside the realm of attainability to her, but don’t respond much to her normal attention-seeking behavior.

How does she carve out a bigger slice of your limited time and attention? By giving you something you value.

It’s classic operant conditioning. When she behaves badly (doesn’t give you what you value), you use extinction – you ignore her / do not provide her attention / provide only the most passing, minimal attention. When she behaves well (gives you what you want), you reward her – with more and higher quality attention.

women attention
When she behaves well, be more attentive.

The catch is to be careful not to slip into the ‘too aloof’ zone, where you are always aloof because you always want her to chase. If you do that, you’ll slide onto the other side of the attainability divide, and become unattainable.

As always, attainability is crucial here.

Mind it well, and you can turn women who are cockteases or moral police or ideologues into lovers… and sometimes pretty fine ones at that.

women attention

We covered a pretty chunky concept in this article… the female drive for attention.

This is a subject that is more or less verboten in the 21st Century West. You are not allowed to say that the things women say and do are done for attention! You are supposed to take all these thoughts and deeds seriously, as serious, literal, rational business!

We can theorize on why women prioritize attention to such a great degree. The more males there are who pay attention to her in her tribe, the safer her position is. If she can get them to submit to her via chastising them or lecturing them, great. If she can get them to aid her because she’s a victim or just because she’s asked for it, awesome. If she can get them to lust after her and pursue her and dazzle her with gifts, even better.

We can theorize on why women prize the attention of subjectively high value males, too – people can only use their own subjective criteria to evaluate another individual’s value, of course (what you consider high value and what I do are two completely different things, for instance). The harder a high value man’s attention is to attain, while still being attainable , and the more she invests to attain it, the more valuable this man’s attention may actually be to her life (more powerful man, with more access to resources, a greater ability to defend her, and superior genetics for her offspring, quite possibly).

But these are theories. Women do what they do to get attention – that’s the observed reality. Women will often not bother to provide value in return for that attention if that attention will be given up to them without a price. If it’s free, why pay?

In fact, many of those women want attention from can be convinced to give them attention at gunpoint (metaphorically speaking)… via tactics like shaming, lecturing, or drama. And the more a woman discovers these tactics are effective attention-getters, the more likely she is to use them with men in general, and with the men they work on in particular.

By the same coin, it is very possible to ‘flip’ women into providing worthwhile value to you to get your time and energy. You must be a valuable guy (your fundamentals must be in order), and you must stay attainable, but not too attainable (busy, important men are not easy to get, control, or monopolize). And you must require women to invest.

At a sociological level, there are a lot of complaints by Western men that Western women are too uppity or disrespectful or unfeminine. But Western women are only using the most efficient attention-getting tools at their disposal that Western men let them get away with. Western men, in turn, respond to their environment: one that is safe, resource-rich, and affords plenty of leisure time… an environment in which it feels unreasonable to ignore the pushes women make for ever more time, attention, and resources. Rather than blame women for becoming over-demanding or men for becoming pushovers, the challenge so many face in the West is a result of their ancestors’ success building a safe, wealthy civilization. Their civilization, at the height of its wealth, power, and safety, faces the same erosion from within all great prior civilizations have faced, as women push for ever more, and men have no good reason to say no.

Yet in your own life, you have the ability to turn women – even those who ordinarily take advantage of most other men – into helpful, wonderful, feminine women, by demanding they provide value to you in exchange for the time and attention you provide to them.

The easiest path here is to get busy on something wildly important to you. To have a reason to turn down women’s myriad requests. When there is a demand on your time that is more important than any woman, women naturally value your time and attention more highly than that of any other less busy, less driven man – even those who on paper seem like they’d be such better catches than you (taller, wealthier, better looking, higher status, cooler, suaver, sexier, etc.).

In the short term though, ask for more for your time and attention. Don’t be a complete prick about it – if you come off completely unattainable, or unreasonably hard to attain, she’ll just auto-reject, and that’ll be that.

But don’t be afraid to put a price on your attention.

Women will pay it, if the other pieces (e.g., value/fundamentals) are in place.

In so doing, they will value you tremendously more than other men who let them have their attention for a pittance. And they will be womanly with you in ways those other men did not know those women could be.

This is the relationship of women to men.