Women Don't Know You Want to Have Sex If You Don't Tell Them | Girls Chase

women don’t know you want sex
Despite the pop culture memes, women don’t actually know you definitely want sex… unless you make it clear to them.

There’s this pervasive belief many men have that women must automatically know you want to have sex with them if you do. Women on television claim men are all about sex, or always have sex on the mind, and roll their eyes at perpetually horny males. Women you meet in real life get in on the act too; they may complain to you “guys only want sex.” And men see these things, and hear these things, and assume women must actually mean it.


1. She Thinks You Only Want Sex?

2. The “She Must Know” Problem

3. She Needs Signals She Can Read

4. Sexual Interest from the Unsexy

5. Even If You Made It Clear Earlier…
There is an important realization to have about this ‘belief’, however. That realization is that it is far from an absolute belief. Any more than even a deeply woman-skeptical man who says “The only thing women want is money!” genuinely, truly, at his very core, believes “the only thing women want is money.” You know, and I know, and that guy at his core knows that every time he meets a cute girl, what he thinks is “Geez, I sure hope she likes me for me.”

Women do the same thing with “Guys only want sex.” It is the same statement as “Girls only want money.” Neither sex absolutely believes it (though the more cynical members of either sex may be strongly opinionated about it). Yet they repeat these statements nevertheless.

We won’t bother to deal with the women-only-want-money belief, since that isn’t affecting us here (and we’ve dealt with that and similar women-only-want-X beliefs in the past). For this meme’s effects on women, just look at all the women who rush to pay for their own meals in the West now; many of the women who rush to pay are women who fear being labeled with the “This chick only wants money from me” label. Today though, we’re going to put the men-sex statement under the microscope – because of the impacts it has on you, Dear Reader.

Does She Really Think You Only Want Sex?
No, of course not. There may be a handful of super cynical, borderline autistic women out there who really do view men as two-dimensional unthinking walking penises, but there aren’t many. Most of them are too busy writing diatribes against men on Tumblr or looking for vegan pansexual intersex hookup partners on OkCupid to bother to go where people meet in the real world. You’re safe.

When people use “X group people only want Y thing” statements, they are doing it for one of a few reasons:

To vent their bad emotions at X group people
Because they think it’s funny to say
To test you
You will find all three of these reasons in the field.

You meet a girl at a bar and five minutes into conversation she tells you “The only thing guys want is sex.” She may be:

Annoyed because some weird guy just grabbed her ass and she didn’t like it. Or maybe some guy pumped and dumped her last weekend and she’s upset because she hoped he’d stick around (or at least that he’d let her do the rejecting!)

Saying something she thinks is funny (you said you read Fifty Shades of Grey, and to be funny she says you must’ve liked it because it’s all about sex and men only want sex)

Poking and prodding you to see how you’ll react
She might even have all these motives at once. She might’ve had a one-night stand last weekend who didn’t call her after and she still smarts over it a bit, she might think it’s funny to joke about men only wanting sex, and she might be curious to see how you’ll react.

You know what emotion she doesn’t have? “This guy standing in front of me talking to me does not care about ANYTHING at all except fucking my pussy.”

She does not think that (unless you come across super needy. Then maybe). She knows you probably would like to shag her, and that if she said “Hey, wanna shag?” you might well say “Let’s go!”
But assuming you are at least a reasonably cool man, she knows there more to you than this, too. She knows, for instance, that if she wants you to stick around, she can’t say “Hey, wanna shag” because there’s a good chance you’ll see her as “too loose” and, subsequently, devalue her. This knowledge in its own right is an acknowledgment that you care about something OTHER than sex.

If the only thing you wanted or cared about was sex, it wouldn’t matter how you got it or whom you got it from. The fastest sex you could get would be the best sex you could get, because the only thing you want is sex. But women KNOW this isn’t true. They know if they give it too you too fast, without the proper dance first, you won’t value them the way they want to be valued – because there’s other stuff you care about (like who, exactly, is this girl you’ll be sleeping with – and what does her decision to go to bed with you sooner vs. later tell you about her?).

No woman, whatever she professes at the surface to believe, truly thinks that all you care about is sex.

The “She Must Know” Problem
Now here’s the problem. A lot of guys don’t realize this. They view the courtship as sort of this dance where the girl KNOWS they want sex, and they’ve just got to complete the necessary steps for her to decide “Okay, I’ll give him the sex he’s after.”

I used to view courtship this way too. “Every cute girl knows I want to bone her; therefore the entire courtship is just me giving her enough other good stuff for her to say all right, the pussy’s yours now, you’ve earned it.”

But that is not how women view it. They don’t know what you want, if you don’t make it clear:

Maybe you just wanted someone to talk to for a few minutes
Maybe you’re a sociable person who talks to everybody
Maybe you wanted to make a new friend
Maybe you thought maybe you liked her, but wanted to get to know her more
Maybe you liked her at the start, but aren’t sold on her yet
On top of this, even if a woman knows you’d like sex, she doesn’t know how much you’d like it or how important it is to you. For example:

If you don’t get sex tonight, will you keep taking her on dates because sex is important, but not that important? Maybe taking her on dates and vetting her as a potential girlfriend is more important to you.
If you don’t get sex tonight, will you keep her as a friend, because even more important to you than sex is to be around this cute girl?

If you don’t get sex tonight, will you cut her off entirely because that really IS the only thing you’re interested in from her?

Women will try to guess what your intentions are and how firm they are. This is why tools like scarcity and jealousy and preselection are so powerful in getting women into bed with you fast – they make clear to women that you aren’t going to be available to them long if they don’t hop into bed with you now.

women don’t know you want sex
Want her to go from ‘frosty’ to ‘friendly’? Try a little preselection.

Most men don’t use those tactics though, or if they do they don’t use them convincingly. Instead, they hope/assume women will just know they want sex because it’s obvious; they’re dudes, after all.
Furthermore, interest changes, and women know this. Even if you think your sexual interest in women is obvious, let me ask you this… Have you ever gone through a courtship with a girl, had it in the bag, then at some point just dropped it? I’ve taken girls out of clubs en route to my home, only to call it off and have us go our separate ways. I’ve had girls in my car headed to my house, only to drive to theirs and drop them off. I’ve had girls in my bed at my place with their clothes mostly off and used a girl’s token resistance to tell her “Looks like it isn’t happening. Let’s just call it a night.” Much of the time this has been with girls who aren’t up to my usual standard, but sometimes it’s a girl who’s great-looking, but so difficult you reach a point where you’re like “I can’t deal with this nonsense anymore. I’ll get more satisfaction from kicking this chick out than I will from the conquest.”

If you’ve ever had a seduction YOU aborted, of your own accord, you know that sex is not the only thing you want in a woman. Even if the predominant clear thought in your head when you meet a cute girl might be “I want to shag her” or “I want to make her my girlfriend and shag her” or whatever the thought running through your head is, there is still a lot more there than just sex, and primary objectives are subject to change.
So what happens is you think “Hmm, sex is a major / the only thing I’m thinking right now, so she must know that.” And all your assumptions about how to run the courtship proceed from there.

Meanwhile, she thinks “Hmm, I don’t know exactly what this guy wants”, and all her assumptions about how to run the courtship proceed from there.

You don’t get sexual enough, because you think she must know. And in any event, maybe you even want to actively show her you aren’t “all about sex”… just like that date you have who insists on paying her side of the bill because she doesn’t want you to think she “only cares about money.” At the same time, she doesn’t know what you want and doesn’t see any overt sexual signs, so she assumes you must not like her like that.

Note that some women will use this information asymmetry to their advantage. A woman may be fairly certain you want sex a lot, but because you haven’t signaled it well she can still claim she “had no idea!” This works for keeping men in the friend zone, as well as for maintaining plausible deniability. Even still, there is a spectrum, between “super clear a guy wants and prioritizes sex” and “not clear at all a guy is even remotely interested in sex”… and if you’re like a lot of guys, you fall too far on the “not so clear he definitely wants it” side of things.

You can see the problem here. She gets bored and goes to look for a guy who is sexually interested in her… or, you try to initiate sex, and she’s surprised and she balks.

Intimacy works far better if she knows it might be coming.

This (when she has no idea) is, in effect, a signaling failure.

She Needs Signals She Can Read
Much of the frustration between men and women comes from signal failures.

Many men think they honestly don’t need to signal interest in sex, because of course women must know they want it. They just have to show enough interest in a girl to reach the point where she decides “Okay, I will show him I am open to the sex he wants now.” But instead, this personal asexual approach makes her enjoy a conversation with a guy, without becoming sexually attracted to him.
There’s also an opposite problem, of course. These are the men who go around overtly sexual. “Damn, look at that ass, girl!” “Give me a piece of that!” Or maybe just grabbing at random girls. When it is impersonal sexual, it isn’t sexy at all. It’s just funny, weird, or unsettling.

You don’t have to be a master of finesse to make dating work. You just need to be able to signal some sexuality, while also providing the other aspects of the courtship a woman needs. Things like conversation, connection, investment, and leadership.

How do you signal sexual interest in a woman? There are a variety of ways, and we cover them in-depth on this site. Here are a few articles about them:

Being a sexual man
Having a sexual vibe
Showing interest in women and calibrating that interest
Chase framing women
Touching women
Using sex talk, sex stories, and sexual assumptions
Displaying your sexual intent
… and of course, things like jealousy plotlines and preselection (which we mentioned earlier).
All these things signal that you are a man who likes sex, is interested in sex, and engages in sex. They signal your sexual availability. And some of them increase the urgency and remove barriers to sex.

The clearer the signals are, the easier it is for a woman to say “This guy DEFINITELY wants sex… and is not going to stick around if he doesn’t get it.”

Should You Signal Sexual Interest When You’re Not Sexy Yet?
Another issue that can hold men back is feeling like they aren’t sexy, and women wouldn’t like it if they showed sexual interest.

There’re a few truths to this:

If you’re not terribly sexy yet, displays of sexuality can seem off-putting; they may look try-hard and unsexy

Even if you are very, very sexy, there are always going to be women your particular sexual style does not appeal to, and who still view you as try-hard and unsexy
That last bullet has a flipside, and that is that even if you are not terribly sexy yet, there are some girls out there who still think you’re at least a little bit sexy, and they won’t be put off by you showing it.

The key when you’re not that sexy yet is to focus on other forms of value that help to bolster your attractiveness to women. Mix these in, making yourself more interesting, and also show some sexual intent.

You don’t want to be her valuable friend. You want to be her valuable lover. Yet unless you make that clear to her, she’s going to tend to slide you and slot you toward that non-sexual role.

Even If You Made It Clear Earlier…
… it may not stay clear.

women don’t know you want sex
It won’t always stay clear to her you’re interested. Even if she knew you were earlier.

For instance, think of that cute girl who told you you and her should “hang out sometime.” But you never got around to asking her out or meeting up with her for a date, for whatever reason. Now a little time has passed, and you wonder to yourself if she still wants to hang out with you or whether she’s moved on.

Or think of that girl you talked to at a bar or a party who said “We should definitely get drinks later!” or told you the two of you would definitely hang out later. Now an hour’s gone by, and you see her locked into an engaged conversation with another man. She’s probably forgotten all about me, you might think.

Just because you made your sexual intentions clear to a woman earlier does not mean they will remain clear. You must keep refreshing your sexual interest until you end up in bed with her.

And then, once in the relationship, you must continually refresh your sexual interest there too. By flirting with her, kissing her, giving her affection, and taking her to bed. Women who feel neglected by their men and undesired by their men are some of the most likely women to lose faith in their relationships, stray from those relationships, and end those relationships. How does she decide you don’t want her anymore? Based on the signals you send her.

Remember: women know you want sex and would say yes if they asked (usually). But they also don’t know how much you want it, how much you value it, and how much it matters to you versus all the other things you want (or might want).
People need constant reminders you want the things you want, or they forget. They might think you wanted something before, but now you don’t care. Or you wanted it earlier but it wasn’t a very strong want. Or something else has caught your attention, or you’ve adapted to what’s available.

Women might say on TV that men only want sex, and the laugh track starts and it’s so funny. And women in real life will get in on the joke and make the same crack and everybody laughs. Ha ha ha, that’s a good one, Sally! But you must not confuse the jokes and the pop culture with reality. In reality, women don’t know what you want – they might know you’d say yes to sex (maybe) if asked… or they may not even know that. Regardless, they don’t know how much you value sex (and it really does differ dramatically from man to man… from high drive hedonists who want to be inside new partners daily to low drive individuals who can go for long stretches without sex at all and aren’t remotely bothered by it).

The only way a woman knows your intentions is if you signal her. The better and clearer the signals, the more aware she is. The worse and less clear the signals, the more it becomes a guessing game for her – and the more likely she is to guess wrong, and plan things out accordingly.

The good news is, the things that signal your sexual interest in and sexual availability to women are all fun to do (once you get used to doing them). They are freeing – it feels nice to get stuff out there. And they kill the guessing game; there’s a lot less “two people circling around each other trying to figure out if they’re both on the same page.”

Of course, you can’t be 100% direct (usually) – ambiguousness is still a key part of flirtation. You just want to throw enough signals out there that she knows sex is probably top-of-mind for you… while keeping yourself attractive enough to her that she isn’t so opposed to the idea of physical intimacy with you herself.