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What do you do when your teen shares important life details with you but not your partner?⁠

One woman found herself in that situation when her teenage daughter disclosed to her that she had sex. When she didn’t tell her husband right away, he became “livid.”⁠

Now, she’s wondering if she was in the wrong to withhold the information for three weeks.⁠

“I found out earlier this month our daughter had sex,” she wrote on Reddit.⁠

“I was floored and left speechless. She is 16 though and of course not unheard of. Honestly it came out of left field and we were dealing with some other issues regarding her.”⁠

“I waited three weeks and finally told him. He is livid. He sees me not telling him immediately as a breach of trust, etc. I tried to explain that I kept it from him because we already were dealing with issues and I myself needed to digest everything.”⁠

“He called me neglectful for not getting her to the doctor as soon as I found out. She is on birth control and I had verified she has had multiple periods. As the encounter happened three months ago. I told him I wasn’t going to make an appt without telling him to begin with.”⁠

Since then, she’s noticed a change in his behavior. ⁠

“He ignored my birthday Wednesday. Won’t touch me, barely talks to me. AITA for not telling him as soon as I found out?” she asked.⁠

What would you have done? Is her husband totally out of line?

Some responses:

This is such a difficult situation. The fact that she went to her mom and talked to her about it says that she now has someone to help guide her. If the daughter specifically said not to tell dad, I think you need to respect her privacy. I understand s…

It isn’t mom’s story to share. If daughter wanted to tell dad, she would have. Clearly mom is a safe person.

My first question to him when he flew off the handle would have been “have you stopped to ask yourself why she wouldn’t have told you??” The husband needs to do some growing up and serious reflection.
When my kids share something with me, I always ask them if I may share with their Dad. Sometimes it’s a yes. Sometimes it’s a No. I respect what answer they given. And that goes if they opt to tell Dad something and not me.

I think it depends on the relationship. Lots of daughters are just more comfortable sharing with their moms, partly because of societies expectation of dad’s and daughters dating (example dad’s scaring boyfriends into treating daughter right). There is…

NTA. I think this depends on the relationship between child/father. If she didn’t tell him and was clearly not trying to have him be aware than keeping it between yourselves seems fine. It seems the daughter knew how’d he react.

I think his response shows why the kid didn’t go to him in the first place. 🙄

Her mistake was telling him at all. He clearly just overreacts with emotional abuse all the time if this is how he reacts to a mere delay of information.

I never wanted my dad to know that I had sex. That’s so weird and bizarre. That is just not something I would ever want my dad to know. That I’m a sexual being. Even when I got married and had kids that would never be something I discussed with him. Yu…
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When I was young, I would talk to my mom about this kind of stuff and not my dad, my mom was my safe person. My dad was always harsh and judged. Then she would tell my dad even though I told her not to, and I felt really betrayed, it made me feel lik…
It’s none of his business until the child says it is. Unless there is some medical reason he needs to know, he doesnt need to know. Minor children still deserve bodily autonomy, and boundaries with whoever they choose. If your child doesnt tell you som…
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NTA. He didn’t need to know. Also, his reaction is emotionally abusive.
My son chooses to tell me LOTS of things he won’t share with his Dad. His Dad is WONDERFUL, but my son and I have a tight bond and I have always been his safe place. I think women are by nature more emotionally available and that helps kids feel safe. …
YTA for telling dad. Not your story/place to tell him that. Not his business. You’ll be lucky if she ever trusts you again.
Nope. It’s her business. Her body. Hopefully she’s being safe.
What girl would want their dad to know?
Anything girly is like don’t tell Dad
Why is it any of his business?
A dad acting like he owns his daughter’s virginity… gross. The fact that she told her mom is great and allows an adult/parent to help her navigate things going forward which is really all a parent can hope for. I’d imagine plenty of girls don’t just wa…
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I totally understand where people are coming from about not telling him at all- that was my take. At the same time, it’s interesting to me that so many people think she shouldn’t tell him when so many people also think a husband and wife shouldn’t ever…
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WTAF….firstly she was confiding in her mum not seeking permission or approval. It’s her body and her choice. The dad did not need to know , it’s none of his business, her virginity is nothing to do with him. Mum should have ensured she was being safe…
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He should be more upset with himself for not fostering a sense of safety and comfort that would encourage this conversation.
If your kid doesn’t feel safe telling you things that’s a you problem, not your kids.
So if he has a bad temper nope.

 

This sounds like some purity culture, patriarchal BS to me. Why does he feel entitled to information about his daughter’s decisions with her own body? There is obviously a reason why this information wasn’t shared with him immediately.