HELP!!! I am jealous of my gorgeous Hot best friend!!!

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Ask Sophia: I am jealous of my gorgeous best friend
Q: “My best friend is really pretty. Like I’m talking drop dead gorgeous. She gets all the attention from boys, and it seems like everyone is in love with her. She’s my best friend and I care about her a lot, but sometimes I get a little jealous. I don’t want to be jealous, but I honestly can’t help it. I wish that I could be like her. I don’t want our friendship to be ruined because of this. What can I do?” – Anonymous

I LOVE this question. I know exactly how you’re feeling because I experienced this kind of envy a lot during middle school and also during my freshman year of high school. While insecurity and jealousy never really change, I do want to share some tips on how to grow your own confidence and how to love yourself without comparing.

Ok so all throughout middle school I had this one friend. She was so so gorgeous, had the best figure, relaxed parents, money, and did well in school too. In turn, this meant that she had tons of popular, cute boy snapchatting her 24/7 and just attracted a lot of attention in general. Of course I took this as an opportunity to criticize myself: my appearance, my more strict parents, and my lack of attention from boys. I’ll be the first to admit that it was really difficult for me to admire my friend’s beauty and attention without turning her ‘win’ into my ‘loss’. The things I told myself: I’m ugly, people don’t like me, etc were just not true.

The first reminder is that no one has it all… sort of.

Saying ‘no one has it all’ is true but also that would be the easy route for my answer, the perfect excuse. The conventional thing to say is she’s so pretty but she doesn’t have a great personality, isn’t genuine, has small boobs, a weird nose, or a million other negative things you could come up with. You’re not crazy if you think this way, I know I definitely do sometimes but it’s the cynical approach and at the end of the day, pointing out her flaws won’t make you any better of a person. That’s a really hard thing to swallow. What you can do is redirect your attention. Time wasted thinking about your friend’s perfections or imperfections does nothing more than simply waste your precious time. Make a list of all the things you love about YOU. There is a world full of people out there that are going to make you feel insecure for one reason or another. Be selfish for a second and reflect on the qualities that you LOVE about yourself: your eye color, your smile, your kindness, and the list goes on. It’s cringy but WRITE THESE THINGS DOWN. Open your notes app and just hype yourself up for 5 minutes. It’s truly the least you can do for yourself. Positive self-talk and creating an intimate and strong relationship with yourself will give you the confidence and reassurance to look beyond your insecurities and stop comparing.

Do you want to crawl in a hole?

The real question: when you’re with this friend that sometimes, unintentionally makes you feel insecure do you want to crawl in a hole? Just leave situation because you’re so unsure of how you are supposed to act and consumed by the thoughts in your head. Rarely? Often? Always? I don’t want to push this feeling on you because it may not be your experience at all but it’s something important to think about. In these social situations where it ‘seems like everyones in love with her’ that you speak about, does your best friend make you feel comfortable, shed light on you, include you in the conversation, and bring out the best in you? If not, that’s definitely something to consider. Now by no means am I suggesting that you end a friendship over this… I mean it is kind of unrealistic to expect that a 14 or 15 year old is going to be completely aware of your concealed insecurities. She’s most likely not even aware that you feel this way. What I started doing and what I think may be helpful for you is to branch off and maybe discover some other social circles were you feel more comfortable. Remain a great friend and spend time meeting fun people and enjoying the company of your friend by her side. Then give yourself a break so you can have the space to try to define yourself without feeling overpowered or overshadowed by this one friend. I know this advice might not be as simple as it sounds in application, but I’m more just wanting you to feel like YOU can be the hot one. I hate that you don’t feel this way and I know how much it sucks because I’ve expierenced it too. Just reflect on the reality of these situations and do what makes you happy, comfortable, and acknowledged.

How to be more confident

Tbh guys I don’t know. I’m still figuring it out. I think confidence comes in waves and it’s one of those things that you sort of have to fake it till you make it. However, thus far I’ve been able to grow my confidence through discovering my style and finding clothes that are both comfortable and flattering. Harnessing confidence could mean pursuing extracurricular activities at which you excel, spending time with siblings or cousins who make you feel safe and appreciated, or spending time in nature. Confidence doesn’t necessarily mean attracting the most attention, being the loudest, or the most attractive. Confidence is rather a self-awareness and trust in yourself to be your own advocate. It is an unspoken inner contract that grows with you. It can shatter at any moment when someone doubts you or you doubt yourself, that’s why you have to work at it over time by being kind to yourself and finding lots of great outlets that refill you and give you joy.

If there’s one thing you can leave with, know that you are not even close to the only person who knows how it feels to be insecure and jealous. It’s just a part of life and I promise that it gets better.

We got this,

I Didn’t Wear Makeup for an Entire Month—Here’s What Happened!!!

I Didn’t Wear Makeup for an Entire Month—Here’s What Happened

Until recently, the fact that I hadn’t left the house without mascara since the age of 12 didn’t bother me in the slightest. I took pride in my commitment to slapping on a few coats, even when shuffling out of my apartment in my sweats to grab a coffee or during late nights at the library in college. My tinted, stiff lashes felt like a part of me—what had originated from a place of insecurity as a self-conscious sixth grader had evolved into an unquestionable part of my every day as an adult.

In the past six months, discourse about the beauty industry and the expectations that women face to keep up appearances have exploded online. The presence of young girls in Sephoras across the country has spurred controversy, and celebrities like Pamela Anderson and Selena Gomez have made statements by going makeup-free on red carpets and at special events. The Money With Katie podcast explored the financial impact of the “hot girl hamster wheel,” the process by which women are encouraged to repeatedly spend on beauty products throughout their lives.

 

Having completely re-evaluated my own relationship with the beauty industry in the past few months, there was something about the labor of getting ready in the morning that started to feel straight-up wrong to me. I started to get curious about what it would be like to leave my house without any makeup on my face—my beloved mascara included. And so, armed with nothing but my favorite sunscreen and lip gloss, I spent the entire month of January makeup-free. Here’s what I learned:

Nobody thought about my makeup-free face as much as I did
My reasons for wearing makeup on a day-to-day basis are threefold. The most important is that I truly appreciate the process of applying makeup as a routine: There’s something about the process that I find both calming and fun. The second, admittedly, comes from a place of insecurity. I have extremely sensitive skin and a bit of rosacea, so I frequently have random red splotches on my face and neck that sometimes generate questions from others; this is why I’ve leaned towards using complexion products like skin tints. And the third is the comforting security blanket of my ever-mascaraed lashes, which helps me feel like I put effort into my appearance even when I am decidedly unkempt.

The first week of my makeup-free month was thrilling. I experienced the world from an entirely different angle. Yes, my first few interactions with baristas, friends, and strangers on public transportation were a bit unnerving—during these moments, I was consumed with thoughts about the fact that I wasn’t wearing any makeup. However, after the first day or so, I realized that no one was thinking about my face nearly as much as I had been. I received no strange looks or unsolicited questions when I showed up to meetings with my rosacea splotches or when I thought I looked overtired as a result of my lack of mascara.

Being able to pop out of bed and go to work or, on the flip side, completely crash at the end of the night without having to put on or take off makeup gave me the gift of 15 minutes back in my day, and honestly, it made a difference. Taking restocks of mascara or brow gel out of my budget for the month did make me feel a bit lighter and gave me a few bucks back to spend on other things that matter to me. In many ways, removing makeup from my routine eliminated an element of mental load, and that was wonderfully freeing.

 

Going makeup-free is a privilege
Technically, the headline of this article is slightly inaccurate. There was one day during the month of January when I chose to break my own challenge to myself and wear makeup. This was because my Editor-in-Chief had chosen me to join her in covering Dr. Jill Biden’s visit to the University of Illinois Chicago, where she spoke about the importance of increased funding for menopause research through the recent White House Initiative on Women’s Health Research. I did consider going makeup-free for the occasion as a commitment to an entirely makeup-free month; ultimately, though, knowing that I would be photographed and would be one of few young female digital journalists present at the event, I decided to go for a typical full face.

This day-long digression in my makeup-free month exposed me to the fact that though it is a privilege to pay for and care about makeup, it is also a privilege to go makeup-free. New York Times opinion columnist Jessica Grose spoke on this in a recent piece, in which she detailed the reasons why she chose to get Botox treatments during the pandemic: She explained that though she did not become a journalist to be on camera, the movement toward video in digital media compelled her to care more about her facial appearance.

The full face of makeup I wore for a huge career opportunity.
In today’s world, beauty expectations are indeed as stringent and intense as ever—but there is also no guarantee that you will not have to be on camera at some point throughout the day. Whether you find yourself staring at yourself in a Zoom meeting, are being recorded for something at work, or even end up recording yourself throughout the day, knowing that you might end up on camera means considering how you want to be perceived if and when you are recorded. Add social media into the mix, and there’s the possibility that strangers might be capable of commenting on your appearance at any moment.

In reality, we are not all Pamela Anderson or Selena Gomez going makeup-free on a red carpet; few of us have the privilege of questioning our relationship with beauty products to the extreme of never wearing makeup. Taking the one day off from my makeup-free month allowed me to understand that though it was valuable for me to question my relationship with beauty, there are also way bigger things for me to worry about than whether or not I’m doing “the right thing” by applying mascara every morning.

 

I re-evaluated my relationship with my skin
Three weeks into the month, I caught myself looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, admiring how healthy my skin looked. Considering the fact that I hadn’t applied any new skincare products, I wracked my brain for the reason why I might be feeling such a boost of confidence before realizing that for once in my life, I had gotten my recommended eight hours of sleep the night before. When I was mindlessly applying makeup every day, I had no reason to recognize the impact that my physical and mental health was having on my skin; regardless of whether there was a flaw, blemish, or under-eye bag, it would get covered up anyway. Going makeup-free forced me to pay closer attention to my skin and the tiny shifts in habit that were showing up much more prominently on my face than I realized. Who knew that beauty sleep was a real thing?!

My makeup-free skin after a good night of sleep.
In all seriousness, going a full month without foundation, concealer, or skin tints allowed me to better understand my skin as an important part of my body—as an organ that deserved to be taken care of. When we are immersed in beauty culture, we understand skin as almost separate from the rest of our bodies, like it is an entirely outward-facing thing that exists only to be visually appealing to others or to be adorned with makeup. In reality, our skin can be an important indicator of our health and well-being. Realizing this did not mean that I continued to get eight hours every single night, nor that I felt compelled to alter my diet and exercise habits according to what made me look the most “glowy.” It simply meant that by going makeup-free, I felt more connected to my physical body, and that was extremely rewarding.

I don’t need makeup—but I do really enjoy it
Living without makeup for a month had financial, time, and health benefits for me. It boosted my confidence, helped me feel more connected to myself, and allowed me to question beauty standards that I had previously taken at face value. At the same time, forcing myself to never reach for my favorite blush or eyeshadow was, quite frankly, boring.

 

By week four of my 29 days without makeup, I was desperate to switch up my look with some sort of glittery eyeshadow, bold lip, or pop of blush. In many ways, this craving for fun makeup that I felt at the end of this month was reassuring—it reminded me that I don’t just like wearing makeup because it’s a habit that I’ve never questioned. Ultimately, my life is more fun when I let myself put together a makeup look that I enjoy from time to time, and I don’t think I’m going to rob myself of that enjoyment any time soon. It serves as a great reminder that like anything having to do with appearance, the point of makeup should be self-expression above all else.

My first day back wearing makeup after 30 days off.
Whether you’re like me and have been applying some kind of makeup since a young age, or you just want to hard reset your beauty routine, I highly recommend going makeup-free for an extended period. Even if it’s not a full month, the changes I saw in my relationship to myself and to beauty in general after just a week without makeup were pretty striking. As I return to the world of the mascara wearers—and yes, I have returned—I feel more confident, less stressed about the daily labor of applying makeup, and more excited about the occasional fun makeup look than I did before. Perhaps most importantly, I’ve learned how to have self-compassion for my relationship to beauty standards as I face and respond to social pressures to appear a certain way, old and new. I likely won’t go another decade without going makeup-free again after pushing myself for this month. Heck, maybe I’ll even go bare-faced tomorrow.

 

 

All my friends are better looking than me, here’s what I’ve learned!!!

“Once you realise you’re never going to be the prettiest girl in the room, it can actually be quite freeing.”

Beautiful women often make people uncomfortable. Look at the complicated feelings Emily Ratajkowski seems to evoke from other women; there is a viral think piece written about her every other week. Beautiful women are worshipped, but they are also often hated and maligned.

So I don’t think there’s any point in denying that having beautiful friends can make even the nicest person feel uncomfortable. I mean, no one likes to admit that. But that’s the truth. Being surrounded by gorgeous people isn’t always great for someone’s ego.

Looking for more thought-provoking reads? Try our Life section.
But in my experience, it’s really forced me to reconcile my relationship with beauty. I never set out to surround myself with particularly good-looking friends, but that is what’s happened. It’s partly because of the circles I run in, not that they are particularly glamorous.

My life is filled with fascinating and creative people, and when you’re interested in fashion, you tend to hang out with people that put time and thought into their appearance. In my case, I also have friends who are actually models.

In the beginning, when I was first making these gorgeous friends, it left me feeling like the unattractive friend. I constantly felt lesser. I was worried I was turning into the plain Jane best friend in a film about my own life. On the upside, having better-looking friends than you forces you to put your ego aside.

It makes you ask yourself questions, like, ‘If I’m not the prettiest girl in the room, who am I? What do I have to offer?’. It also makes you realise you don’t need to be the best-looking person in the room to still be a star.

Beauty is subjective, and we’re always harder on ourselves than anyone else. I realise I am attractive enough, but the naked truth literally stares me in the face. I have mates that are models, and I am not a model. I do not reach the heights of physical perfection that are currently deemed desirable.

For a while, being surrounded by so much beauty made me examine my own ugliness. But over time, I’ve learnt to embrace it. I realised I didn’t want to lose friendships just so I could feel better about myself. Instead, I realised I had to tackle my own insecurities head-on. Not to sound like Oprah, but having beautiful friends has been a real teaching moment.

It’s taught me that no matter how gorgeous you are, no one is really at peace with themselves. Beauty standards are designed so that no woman feels good enough. And the goalposts can constantly change. You can be a model, but you might feel unattractive because you don’t have a Kardashian’s bum.

So yes, while sometimes it’s harder to feel sympathy for your beautiful mate when they complain that they don’t feel hot or sexy, it’s kinda comforting to know we’re all going through the same stuff. Genetics can’t bless you enough to avoid that. It’s also taught me to really examine my own value. What do I bring to the table?

Society defines women so cruelly by our looks, and we spend our whole lives trying to perfect them. Yet it’s never quite possible, even for the most beautiful among us. But once you realise you’re never going to be the prettiest girl in the room, it can actually be quite freeing. You can begin to really lean into your much more essential attributes.

Am I funny? Am I smart? Am I kind? Am I the girl that knows the excellent restaurant recommendations or always has a spare tampon? In my opinion, these attributes are all more important than being beautiful. On a good day, I am all of these things, and on a bad day, I am just funny.

What I’ve learnt the most from having beautiful friends is that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, as cliche as it is to say. The things I love about my friends have nothing to do with their symmetrical faces, perfectly formed noses or cheekbones.

You tend to really love the other stuff – the crinkle in their nose, the puffiness of their cheeks, the weird scar above their eye. My friends look their most beautiful to me when they are laughing like hyenas.

Beauty really is only skin deep. I’ve looked into the souls of some beautiful people and realised they are not pretty at all. Taking people just at face value will never be good enough. Yes, it can be annoying having beautiful friends. I’m only human, and it’s hard not to compare.

But mostly, it’s taught me that beauty really doesn’t matter at all. What matters is how we feel about ourselves, how we treat others and how we make people feel. These are the things that really count. So if Emily Ratajkowski ever asked me to be her mate, I’d be down. I’d even take selfies with her!

Here’s How One Pretty Woman Deals With The “Constant Stares and Compliments” From Men!!

Why Chasing Women Doesn’t Work and Why Persistence Does

Never Chase Your Girlfriend To Get Her Back | Develop Attraction

 

We’ve had a few questions on here lately about the difference between chasing women vs. persisting with women. A few weeks back William B. raised the point when I asked for ideas on what the new forum’s bonus book should be on:

“I’d like to see something fleshing out the nuances between chasing and persistence.”

And more recently, a commenter on the article on how to find the woman you want asked:

“I guess what i want to know is how does all this play in with not chasing her…if you leave enough time between your proposals it doesn’t count as chasing?”

I’ve seen a few other people ask about it on other articles as well.

What’s the difference between chasing women and persisting with them, anyway? Aren’t they one and the same?

chasing women

Actually, the two are VERY different – and women are right for desiring persistent men to a point… and fleeing from men who chase after that point.

Let’s have a look at why that is, and how you can better walk the line between chasing and persistence.

 

chasing women

First off, I want to say this: I don’t think there’s any guy out there in the world who likes chasing women.

And by “chasing women,” I don’t mean that in the vaguely sarcastic tone of your buddy who’s really good at picking up girls. When he says, “Let’s go chase some women,” what he really means is, “Let’s go make some women helplessly attracted to us then go take them home.”

When I say “chasing women,” what I’m referring to is the guy who’s pursuing a woman who isn’t his, is acting cold or distant or aloof to him, and is not giving him nearly what he wants from her… a man who isn’t in control.

What I’m talking about with chasing is when a man desperately wants a woman who doesn’t want him.

If you’ve ever chased a woman before – and most guys have, no need to feel too ashamed about it – you can probably think back on the emotions you felt about it and realize that it didn’t feel all that great. Nowhere did you get emotions like, “Wow, this is wonderful!” Instead, all you feel while chasing are feelings of:

  • Confusion
  • Uncertainty
  • Panic
  • Fear
  • Loss
  • Need
  • Desperation

These are a deep, dark hole of bad emotions that drive you into feeling worse about yourself, and doing things very wrong with a girl from the point of being attractive.

Chasing is very unattractive to women.

It’s off-putting.

But if it’s so horribly ineffective a behavior, why do men do it?

 

The Psychology of Chasing

From what I’ve seen, the vast, vast majority of women who are chased by men are single women… women unattached from a committed marriage or relationship partner. I haven’t seen many married women with a man chasing desperately after them, but I have seen many single women with chasers in hot pursuit.

Why might this be?

My theory is, the same “philosophy of women” that inspires a man to chase after an unattached woman also dissuades him from interest in an attached one.

The theory goes like this:

“Once I have a woman, she will be MINE FOREVER!”

The corollary to that, of course, is:

“Once a woman is with a man, she will NEVER LEAVE HIM.”

I don’t think all men who chase women regularly and desperately think this way, but for a guy who’s a habitual chaser or chases women over a long period of time, from what I’ve seen it’s usually the mindset. A woman is something to be acquired, and once she is acquired, the acquisition is permanent.

So, if a woman is attached, to the chaser, she is off the market and unattainable; if she’s unattached, however, then it’s a mad-grab free-for-all to acquire her, and whoever ends up with her at the end gets to keep her.

If you’re mildly unnerved by all this talk of “acquiring” and “keeping,” you should be; it’s an incorrect view of women, but its one that men who chase seem normally to possess in spades.

Here’s the really scary part for women – according to the paper “Courtship Behaviors, Relationship Violence, and Breakup Persistence in College Men and Women” by Stacey L. Williams and Irene Hanson Frieze, chasing is linked to violence… have a look:

“This study assessed college men’s (n= 85) and women’s (n= 215) courtship persistence behaviors (approach, surveillance, intimidation, mild aggression), which have been linked to stalking, and examined their relations to initial courtship interest, relationship development, and future violence and persistence, while also exploring the role of gender in these relations. Findings showed individuals performed surveillance when initially more interested than the other. Whereas approach behaviors were positively associated with relationship establishment, surveillance and intimidation were negatively associated. As predicted, results showed continuity in persistence and violence over the course of dating relationships. For both genders, courtship mild aggression predicted relationship violence, and persistence behaviors predicted similar persistence at breakup. Early behaviors may foreshadow violence and stalking-related behaviors in both men and women.”

Here, the study breaks “persistence” down into multiple subcategories:

  • Approach
  • Surveillance
  • Intimidation
  • Mild Aggression

In the study, the researchers define each subcategory as follows:

  • Approach: sending notes, doing unrequested favors, attempting to communicate, asking the person out as a friend and asking the person out as a date.
  • Surveillance: waiting where the person would be, going by the residence, showing up at events where the person would be, doing an activity to be closer to the person, asking friends about the person, and asking friends to talk to the person.
  • Intimidation: following the person, taking the person’s belongings, trying to manipulate the person into dating you, and spying on the person.
  • Mild aggression: trying to scare the person, making threats, threatening to hurt emotionally, threatening to damage belongings, threatening to hurt someone else, threatening to hurt oneself, verbally abusing the person, physically harming slightly, and physically harming more than slightly.

As an interesting aside, the researchers further noted, on differences between male and female courtship behaviors, that

“[M]ales perform more approach, or regular courtship behaviors, whereas females are more likely to perform acts of surveillance, that is, attempts to make indirect contact with the love interest by way of (seeming) serendipity.”

Obviously, intimidation and mild aggression are pretty bad. Surveillance isn’t terribly good either, as you’re “pretending” it’s fate while hiding true desires; women are more guilty of this one than men are, and according to the research there’s less a chance that it leads to a relationship than a healthy interaction where the behavior isn’t needed or used.

So what’s all this have to do with chasing women vs. persisting with women?

Simple – this quote from the study:

“During the earliest stages of courtship, a one-sided initial interest (i.e., a scenario in which one potential partner is more interested than the other) may reflect this unrequited love scenario and result in intensified initial courtship behaviors. Behaviors used to attract the potential partner may include stalking-related behaviors.”

What Williams and Frieze are saying here is this: intensified initial courtship behaviors (chasing) are the result of unrequited love.

The difference between chasing and persistence is that chasing is one-sided interest and highly emotional, while persistence is largely mutual, and it’s largely unemotional.

 

chasing women

What’s the difference between a man who stands there at the end of a date or the end of the night, persisting in his insistence that a woman accompany him home, as we discussed in “Don’t Let Her Go,” and a man who continues to chase women long after it’s clear they simply aren’t interested?

Volumes.

The man who persists at the end of the night doesn’t persist because he’s deeply, ravishingly in love with a girl; he persists because he’s trained himself to do it. Most men replete with unrequited love will not insist a girl do ANYTHING; they simply bug her and beg her and bother her in the hopes that somehow that will change her mind.

And that’s the biggest difference between a persistent man and a man chasing women: the persistent man persists when it COUNTS.

The chasing man persists everywhere ELSE.

chasing women

Imagine you meet a girl. She’s pretty, flirty, fun. You’re really tired the night you meet her; you had a long day; and you really aren’t feeling that great. You guys hit it off, but eventually you can hardly keep your eyes open, and you decide that, despite this cute girl in front of you, the only thing you want to do now is go home and hit the hay.

Now let’s say it can go in one of two possible directions:

  1. You tell her you’re leaving, and she says, “No, stay. We’re having a great time right now; I know you’re tired but you can sleep later. Let’s keep spending time together right now.”
  2. You tell her you’re leaving, and she says, “Okay.” The two of you trade phone numbers. After you leave, you get a text message from her right away saying how much she liked meeting you and she hopes she’ll see you soon. The next morning you have a text from her, saying, “Hey, how’s it going?” Later she tries calling you to ask you out, but you’re busy. Then you see she added you on Facebook. Suddenly, she’s calling you, texting you, Facebook stalking you, and all the rest.

Which of these girls is more attractive to you?

That example makes it night and day, doesn’t it… who wants to be on the receiving end of #2 (if you’re currently frustrated with women / feeling a little desperate, you don’t count! People only get into chase dynamics with individuals they can’t get, rather than those eager to be with them)? There are other directions that scenario above could’ve gone too, of course (e.g., you leave and she never gets in touch; you leave and the two of you run into each other again later somewhere else; etc.), but for our purposes I wanted to contrast persistence with chasing for you there.

Chasing is what’s known as unrequited love, although it’s really a form of infatuation. Chasing is NOT love, though many in pursuit of their object of desire will call it that and think it that. But as we talked about in the article on when you can’t stop thinking about her, this isn’t real love, and often you don’t even really know HER at ALL… it’s simply obsession with some idealized, fantastical version of her cooked up in your head.

Women know this. They know it isn’t them a chasing man wants… it’s a fantasy woman that he’s imagined is them.

Sometimes it’s initially cute; “Oh how cute, he’s really got a thing for me, hasn’t he?” Then it’s annoying, once the cuteness wears off. And if it continues on long enough, and becomes intense enough, it can even become bothersome or scary.

Most men chasing after women never reach the point of things becoming so extreme that it’s an inconvenience to a woman’s life or that she actually becomes afraid. But a LOT of men chase women enough to start annoying them.

Is there a chance you’ve done this before?

 

Board Another Plane

Chasing is not attractive… we’ve established that. You need to quit doing it.

Especially for emotional men, this isn’t always easy. Readers regularly post comments on this site about how they know they should stop chasing after some girl, but they just can’t help themselves. Chasing is addictive.

Where chasing comes from, in my opinion, is realizing that you might’ve had a shot, but didn’t take it. Almost every man I’ve seen chasing women was chasing women that he’d say, “I could’ve had her… I SHOULD’VE had her! But I let her get away!”

This inability to let go, coupled with a feeling that she is there, within reach, seems to push men over the edge and turn them into pursuers. There is a desire to get her, keep her, and snap her up before she gets snapped up “for good.”

Of course, this ignores the fact that attraction has an expiration date; it ignores the principle of escalation windows, that once a window has closed, it’s more or less closed for good.

Chasing after women fails to get the chaser women, then, because it is too little, too late.

It’s like trying to convince the check-in clerk to get the flight team to turn the airplane you were too late to board around and pick you back up after the plane’s already off the tarmac and up in the air. You might be the most convincing man in the world, but it’s probably not going to happen; and besides, there’s someone else in your seat anyway.

So what do you do? You board another plane.

 

chasing women

At this point, you’ve got a handle on what chasing is and why it’s bad. Chasing usually happens when:

  • A girl likes you, to some extent, or seems to
  • You fail to make a move or miss an obvious sign
  • You beat yourself up for it later, and resolve to get her
  • You start trying to get her any way you can – calling, texting, etc.
  • You refuse to give up on this girl, convinced you’ll win her heart, despite the fact that she is not reciprocating

So what do you do instead?

Here’s what persistence – proper persistence, not pursuing uninterested women – is all about:

  1. Acting now and not later. The thing that gets most men into trouble (chasing women) in the first place is a lack of proper persistence the first time around. Whether because the man is slow to realize he likes a girl, or hesitant about taking action and leading women, or simply doesn’t know how to recognize how girls show interest, one way or another, he doesn’t move fast and he doesn’t make things happen when he has the chance to.

    Persistence is all about acting now. What the persistent man knows that other men don’t is that when he gets a chance with a girl, it’s probably going to be his ONLY chance with that girl. Opportunity knocks once, but if you don’t welcome it in on its first visit, it goes and finds someone else a little more welcoming and stops coming by. Tomorrow never comes; if you have a chance to be with a girl now, then… be with her.

  2. Establishing leadership and staying on-target. Men who chase are lost; they flail about, unsure of what they’re doing, hoping that if they can just talk to women enough or be around them enough or send them enough text messages or emails that those women are going to decide they’re the men of their dreams and leap into their arms. Except… it doesn’t work like that.

    You’re the man, you must lead. That means that if you don’t know where you’re going… then you’re not going anywhere. You need to be moving girls; you need to be progressing toward an end point; and you need to be focused on how you’ll close an interaction (e.g., getting a phone number or taking a girl to bed), then doing it and keeping follow-up contact to a minimum until you’re ready for the next step (e.g., the next time you’ll see her).

  3. Being willing to walk away and meet someone else. Contrary to what most chasing men think, women are not a scarce resource. They are abundant; they’re everywhere! A man needs to be prepared to walk away from a woman who will not come with him; who won’t give him her phone number, who won’t go on a date with him, who won’t accompany him home, who won’t become her lover.

    You cannot get every woman you want; in fact, you’ll walk away from quite a few. And that’s fine… so long as you continue to meet new girls, because as you meet new women, you’ll learn and refine your process, and get better at persisting right away with women who are interested in you or on the fence, and dropping girls and moving on who aren’t.

Those three are all huge differences between the man who chases and the man who persists, but the last one is arguably the biggest: men who persist properly are willing and free to move on at a moment’s notice; men who chase are not.

There’s one more thing that persistent men know that chasing men don’t, though.

 

Why Chasing Women is Silly (and Wastes Your Time)

What persistent men, and men more talented with women, know is this:

If she wants to be with you, it won’t be that hard!

chasing women

It doesn’t take weeks or months or years of pursuing a girl to get her. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve heard a man tell me he chased a girl for a long time and finally got her, and I’ve heard thousands of men’s stories about the women they got together with. The long sought romance that finally became real: it doesn’t happen.

If a girl likes you, if she has any desire to be with you, it’s not going to take a month or more to happen, unless YOU are really slow. And if you are really slow, she’ll almost certainly have lost interest by the time you get around to doing what you should’ve done much earlier on, and she’ll be lost (never to return).

Chasing women isn’t just annoying for the girl, and futile for you. It wastes your precious time, in addition to everything else.

You only have a short amount of time on this rock to do the things you want to do. If you spend months or years of your life pursuing some other human being who has no interest in you, you might as well have spent that time sitting in a prison cell, or in a coma. It’s time wasted, flushed down the drain, tossed away like yesterday’s newspaper. It’s gone, and you got nothing back for it.

She was out partying with some guy she likes, didn’t notice or care that you texted her, and you were sitting at home waiting to hear back, imagining a life together with her.

But you could be out meeting women who like you… women who want you… women it isn’t too late with yet, where you can move faster, take action, and make something real with.

It isn’t hard to get together with girls. And if you realize you’ve put a lot of time into a girl… you’ve chased after her… you’ve worked hard to get her… and you’re still nowhere with her (e.g., you’re not lovers, not romantic partners, you’re still “working on” her), it’s time to cut the chord.

Back when I was inexperienced in the ways of women and dating, I overheard a conversation between two men about a girl one of the men had met. “This other guy’s been working on her for a couple of weeks, so I’m not sure if I should go for her since he’s already got a head start,” the first man said.

The second man laughed. “A couple of weeks? Go for her. If that other guy was EVER going to get her, he’d already HAVE her.”

When I heard this, even back then, I knew he was right. All the guys I’d seen “working on” girls… all the girls I’d spent time “working on”… it never worked out. The girls you got were the ones it happened relatively quickly with… and if it didn’t happen within a few weeks max, it didn’t happen.

So don’t waste time, and don’t make things harder than they need to be. Life’s too short to spend your ticking clock on people who don’t want to be with you. Spend it on the ones who do – and on finding them, if there aren’t any around at the moment. And, move fast and take action – you’ve got better things to do than chase around some girl who’s busy living her life while you dream idle dreams of her.

Persist – but don’t chase.

Always,