10 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Men Review


Chapter 1: When a Guy Likes You, It’s Obvious

women-have-wonderful-instincts-oscar-wilde-quoteThe number one question we get hit with on A New Mode is some variation of: Does he like me? I get it, believe me. I have asked that same question countless times. I have experienced the pain, frustration, and insecurities that come when a guy arouses those fluttery feelings within you and you don’t quite know if he feels it, too. Sometimes it seems like he does … other times you just don’t know. And the not knowing eats away at you. So you question, you analyze, you try to “crack his code,” you ask your friends, you read articles on “signs he likes you” and try to check off every single one, even if it requires some stretching of the truth and a bit of self-delusion.

From personal experience, I can tell you that trying to decipher whether or not a particular guy had feelings for me was a total waste of my time and energy. It wasn’t until many, many years had passed that I learned the truth: If you have to ask, you already have your answer.

When You Know the Truth …
When you understand how a guy operates when he likes a girl, you will see how useless it is to analyze the signs. You will see that engaging in this futile practice results in nothing more than driving you crazy and eroding your self-esteem.

Chapter 2: Men Crave Appreciation

Most women (myself included) don’t fully understand how crucial it is for a man to feel appreciated, and the enormous impact expressions of appreciation can have on him. Granted, everyone likes to be acknowledged and appreciated, but women don’t need it in the same way and to the same extent that men do. Just as most women primarily need to feel cherished and adored, men need to feel appreciated and admired to be truly satisfied in a relationship.

When You Know the Truth …
When you give a man what he truly needs, it allows him to be himself and inspires him. In turn, he will naturally want to give you more of what you need. When he feels acknowledged and appreciated by you, he will want to acknowledge and appreciate you in return. You will no longer be left feeling drained, like you’re giving everything and getting nothing, because what you give will be received by him in a way that inspires him and makes him want to go above and beyond for you.

Chapter 3:Men Need to Feel Like Winners

When I tell people what I do for a living, they always ask for the most surprising or important thing I’ve learned about men through writing about relationships. This chapter is the long version of my answer: Men need to feel like winners.

I honestly never knew or even considered how vital it is for a man to feel like a winner. I never saw it discussed or even hinted at in magazines or relationship books, and it certainly isn’t something men tell you outright. Until you know it, it gets completely overlooked. Once you know it, however, you will see it in everything he does.

When You Know the Truth …
You won’t feel like he isn’t prioritizing you or doesn’t care … you’ll realize that relationships, while very important, usually come second in the world of men. Being a winner comes first. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and adore you and worship you. It means that feeling like a winner is essential to his sense of self and sense of self-worth. If he doesn’t have that, he will never be able to be the man you need, the one who can make you happy. Instead, he will be caught in a web of defeat and misery.

Chapter 4: Men Are Terrified of Rejection

Rejection hurts no matter what your gender, but it takes different forms for men and women. Given what we learned in the last chapter about how essential it is for a man to feel like a winner, it’s not surprising that most men are absolutely terrified of rejection. Rejection is crushing for a man; it makes him feel like a worthless loser, and he will do anything to avoid it.

Rejection doesn’t just mean he asks you out or asks for your number and you say no. A man can also experience rejection in the early stages of dating or in an established relationship, and even in marriage. The problem is, a lot of women don’t know what rejection looks like to a man. When a man feels like a woman disapproves of him or is disappointed in him, he feels rejected. He feels not good enough, like a loser, like he has failed when he should have won.

When You Know the Truth …
When you understand what rejection means to a man and how he experiences and processes it, it will shine a light on a whole new world. You will understand why he started losing interest, why he suddenly shut down, why he suddenly withdrew. You will also know how to speak in a language he can really hear, and you will be able to reach him on the deepest, most significant level.

Chapter 5: Men Want to Give and Make You Happy

No one really talks about the one thing that every man wants and needs in a woman, the thing that will determine whether or not he commits for life.

Men want a woman who can happily receive what they have to give. Men are biologically wired to be providers. Being a provider doesn’t mean he needs to make more money than you, or have a more prestigious job. It means he wants to provide for you in ways that will make you happy. This often has nothing to do with finances or material goods. It runs so deep that if a man doesn’t feel like he can make a woman happy, he won’t want to be in a relationship with her.

When You Know The Truth …
You will be able to communicate with him in a way he hears and understands, in a way that motivates him to step up and be the man you want him to be. You won’t feel constantly frustrated in your relationship, wondering how to get him to do the things—both big and small—that make you happy. You will know exactly what it takes to inspire him to bring his best to the relationship.

Chapter 6: Men Are Afraid of Losing Their Freedom

Men are afraid of losing their freedom. This is true. The misconception that gets perpetuated, though, is that men hate commitment, are anti-relationship, and just want to run wild and do whatever they want. This isn’t actually the case. Freedom for a man is more of a psychological state than having the actual freedom to run around and do whatever he wants. No one talks about this, though. Instead, books and articles are written giving women a playbook to trap a man into commitment. They paint a picture that looks a lot like the coyote chasing after the roadrunner.

When You Know the Truth …
You won’t panic over the state of your relationship … you will be able to be in the relationship and know exactly how to give him what he wants and needs. You won’t strategize or plot or scheme, you will just know. Being too eager or available isn’t the problem; fear is the problem. Like the fear that men are afraid of commitment and the only way to get a man to commit is to trick him into it. When you know the truth, you will be free to be yourself, you will know what it takes to really reach a man, and you will put any fears he may have to rest.

Chapter 7: Men Live in the Moment

Do guys say what they mean? Yes … in the moment they say it, anyway. Personally speaking, I always had an impossible time trying to figure out how a man felt about me. I like words (I am a writer, after all!) and I take the things people say very literally. In my early dating years, I would find myself painfully confused time and time again by guys who would say really sweet things early on … only for everything to fizzle out.

I got so wound up because I was making the same mistake many women make—I was taking his words to be solid facts rather than expressions of fleeting feelings he was experiencing in the moment. Also like most women, I would jump way too many steps ahead any time I saw potential with a guy, and I would use any positive thing he said or did as proof that he wanted the same things I did. I didn’t realize at the time that men don’t experience relationships this way.

Men typically experience relationships in the moment, as they’re unfolding. Women often jump several steps ahead and place expectations on the situation … sometimes they aren’t even aware that this is what they’re doing.

When You Know the Truth …
When you understand how men experience relationships, you won’t be confused about how he feels or where things are going. You won’t analyze the things he says and does in an attempt to uncover hidden meanings. You’ll accept his kind words and will continue to bring your best self to the relationship and will be able to comfortably allow the relationship to unfold organically.

Chapter 8: Men Communicate Through Actions More Than Words

A major reason we girls get confused by men, and spend so much time trying to figure out how a guy feels, is because we wait to hear the words and overlook the fact that men say a lot more through their actions. What a man says is oftentimes not an accurate measure of how he feels, while his actions nearly always tell the real story.

When You Know The Truth
Communication is the key to any successful relationship, so when you can truly understand how men communicate you will open the door to a stronger connection.

One major reason women don’t always feel loved, or know how a guy feels, is because there are innate communication differences between men and women. Women cling to words. Men, however, simply aren’t as verbal and can’t always articulate what they’re feeling as well. Often a woman can get so caught up in waiting to hear certain words, that she completely overlooks all his loving actions.

Chapter 9: If You Give a Guy What Makes Him Want to Commit, He Will Commit

Whether it’s having the official “girlfriend” title, being official on Facebook, getting a guy to move in together, getting him to propose, or reigniting a flickering spark, there are countless women all over the world struggling to get the commitment they want from their man. (Even married women struggle with this!)

I’ve been there. I once dated a guy for six months who wouldn’t acknowledge me as his official girlfriend. This sort of thing can have a devastating effect on your self-esteem, as you essentially wind up living your life on some quest to prove that you’re worthy of his commitment. You may alternate between being overly accommodating and sweet (to show him how easygoing and amazing you are and what a great girlfriend/domestic partner/wife you’ll be) or getting mad and lashing out at him for everything, even though you’re really only mad at him for one thing.

When You Know The Truth …
You will realize that getting a man to commit isn’t like playing a game of chess. You don’t need to master an intricate set of rules and utilize a strategy. It’s not about tricking him or trapping him. Despite what you have heard, men are not anti-relationship, men are not commitment-phobes, and men actually do want to find that one special someone to share their lives with. Getting a man to commit isn’t all that complicated, it really comes down to whether you create an environment that makes him want to commit … or you don’t.

When you know what it takes, then you can allow the relationship to unfold organically without any worry or stress. And you will realize that if it takes an incredible amount of effort and doesn’t seamlessly come together, it means it isn’t the right relationship, and you will move on with your sense of self firmly intact.

Chapter 10: Men Are Not Intentionally Trying to Hurt You

One of the biggest hurdles women trying to find lasting love face exists in their own minds. It’s their ingrained belief that men are lying jerks, that they will break your heart, that they’re bad, that all the good ones are taken, that all they want is sex. I get it. I have had my heart torn to shreds, leaving me feeling like a hopeless victim and desperately trying to understand why. Why are men so cruel? Why do they lieWhy do they disappear? Why are they so selfish?

This whole man versus woman mentality is absolute poison when it comes to getting the love you want. The risk we take when opening our hearts and choosing to love is the risk of being hurt.

When You Know the Truth …
You will realize that blaming and hating men is only hurting you. You will realize that like us, men also have flaws and insecurities and vulnerabilities, and sometimes they manifest in hurtful ways. It’s not intentional (unless the guy is a total sociopath), and it doesn’t say anything about you.

When you can step outside of yourself and see the world with someone else’s perspective, you will understand that it isn’t personal … it’s just life. You will free yourself from debilitating beliefs that cause you to transmit a negative, off-putting vibe that men pick up on, and instead will radiate warmth and openness. You will stop being a victim of other people and circumstance, and will have control over your life and, at long last, get the love you’ve always wanted.